Roller Coaster

I would have enjoyed riding a real roller coaster with its thrills, twists and turns instead of taking a ride on this emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on this past couple of weeks.   

The “Ups”

I’ve really enjoyed the summer so far with the kids.  In the past, our summers have had to be full of schedules and routines down to the hour.  That was the only way I could survive these long days with 6 little ones at home.  But this year, I decided to do something way out of the norm for me…and that was to have absolutely no schedule.  I thought it would be fun to try and the kids and I have responded to it well.  If we decide we want to get out of the house and do something, we do.  If we don’t, then we  just stay home, play with friends and hang out.  We are taking it day by day and it has worked out well for us.  These have been joyful days.    

The “Downs”

Two and a half weeks ago, I had the shock of seeing those 2 little blue lines on a home pregnancy test!  It was quite a surprise because technically, it only took us a day to get pregnant once we decided to stop birth control.  We are impatient people who thrive on instant gratification, but this was unbelievable and we were in awe as to how easy it was to get pregnant once we decided it was time!  It was no secret, so we started spreading the happy news.  The kids started picking out boy names and girl names.  We were all thrilled to have this “link” to bind our blended family together.  We knew nearly 3 years ago that this was in our plan, but the timing never seemed quite right until now. 

2 days after finding out the good news, I started spotting.  After a few days, I called my doctor.  He ruled out an ectopic pregnancy via ultrasound and through HCG quant testing the pregnancy looked like it was going in a positive direction.  My levels were doubling every 72 hours, so things looked good.  I tried not to worry, but was a nervous wreck anyway!  I’ve never even had an ultrasound until week 20 with any of my pregnancies!   We had Justin’s mom’s wedding in Lake Tahoe the following week and in the back of my mind, I was still anxious because the spotting continued and I did not want to miscarry while out of town!  Yuck! 

Then, news of the wildfire threatening our home (see previous post) compounded my anxiety because now I was not only anxious about my pregnancy, but about not having a home to come home to.  I thought the odds were in my favor, however.  There was no way I could lose a home and a pregnancy in a week.  What are the odds of having such bad luck?  Luckily, with a little cleaning of soot and ash off the exterior, our home was in perfect condition upon our return.  That part of the story has a happy ending.  

The not-so-happy ending happened Tuesday.  I began cramping and bleeding and knew in the back of my mind that a miscarriage was on the horizon.  I went for another ultrasound hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.  The dr. couldn’t see anything in the sac.  More HCG tests were done, levels still had increased, but not at the rate they were supposed to.  This pregnancy officially did not stick. 

I’m more than bummed.  My pregnant body is quickly changing back to normal and I hate the transition.  I love being pregnant.  When I start feeling sad, I realize how thankful I am that I’m able to get pregnant and have “textbook” pregnancies when they do stick.  This is my 3rd miscarriage.  Each time I have had one, I have been blessed with a beautiful, healthy child the following pregnancy.  And I hope this is a precursor to something good that will happen soon because we are ready to add that little spirit waiting to come down from heaven to our family.      

And because I can now, I am going to take advantage of that real roller coaster ride very soon…